Ugly Cry

Real talk this week has been an emotional storm. Trickling off of what I posted about last week, I am having a lot of mental walls come up with anxiety triggers.

Positive news boom anxiety attack
Bad news boom anxiety attack
Standing up for myself, boom…
Any slight whisper of conflict, boom…

It has not been easy for me in the slightest. However, I have been able to make some mental cliff notes along the way.

Note #1: Anxiety can’t break me no matter how much my brain tells me otherwise.

As I sat in bed ugly crying for about 5 hours feeling like the world was going to end because I sent an email, I realized it wasn’t breaking…yes I felt like shit…yes I had a sore face from power crying but the world itself, including the things I was interacting with, remained the same. I will note that it is not that I thought with my logical brain that things would explode but the part of my mind that thought jumping out of a window was a better alternative to just waiting it out and seeing what developed took note.

Note #2: My flaws do NOT make me less powerful.

It is easy to feel like less than when you are in a constant fear state. It is easy to think everyone’s thoughts on you match your inner dialog, and even though my brain does not want to accept it, neither of those things are true. Just because my anxiety can be a giant douche telling me I suck at most things daily, I am slowly becoming more comfortable embracing that I am badass. It is also good to mention IMO that even though I am engaging in regular power cry sessions, I am pretty fricken productive during that storm.

Note #3 Keep on considering support options.

Sometimes I know I can feel annoying telling loved ones about my anxiety or depression. I think oh man I must be a broken record to them, but I am always surprised and grateful at the fact that this is not the case. With that being said, I am being real and considering if talking to a therapist or an outside support aide as a way to find, even more, more effective coping skills. If there is one thing I hope people take from this blog, it is that no one is across the board perfect, and everything you are is okay, and you should never be ashamed to talk to people, and/or ask for help if you need it. Mental health care should not be shameful or hidden, and if you need support, the resources are out there! (Feel free to drop me a message at any point if you need help finding some resources on where to find help as well). Here is a quick list to save just in case:

This week has been hard, beautiful, and long. I want to send a special shout out to my amazing boyfriend who gives me a supportive ear, a shoulder to cry on, a blanket burrito to lay in and pretty sensational backrubs on the regular. He has made this week way less intense than it could have been.

To all my readers, we are all on our journey, we are all flawed in one beautiful way or another, and we are not alone. As Machine Gun Kelly put it

“Hold your head high, muthafucker
Don’t ever look down because of who you are
Our flaws are what makes us perfect.”

I am going to try practice some hardcore self-care over the weekend. I think you all should as well. Let me know in the comments how you are treating yourself to some love today or over the weekend, please! Love you all, and I will talk with you next week ❤

Smoke and Mirrors

First of all, let me say I am sorry I have been MIA for the last two weeks. The past month has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs for me, and I needed to practice what I preached with some good old fashioned self-care.

Now that I am back, there is so much I want to catch up on. While I have been away, I have aged up a year to 33 (which feels pretty neat). I spent a restorative unplugged birthday with my boyfriend camping on an Island with the wolves singing us to sleep. When the time came for us to return to the city (and real-life), I had to mentally prepare to face quite a few things that have been scary for me.

Number one is facing changes. Without going into detail, there is a ton of massive life change going on right now. Now much of this is still in flux, and outwardly much of it is positive, but I am going to be real AF and say I am freaking out. It is incredibly frustrating to have news that seems great throw me into panic attacks and tears on the regular. I am very aware that letting fear prevent us from growing as humans is a nono, but the perfect storm of imposter syndrome, general and social anxiety, bouts of low confidence and fear of instability are making me feel like I am on the edge of a tipping point over a black abyss.

I have always been a bit of an overachiever, due to my anxiety, (I am still not sure if that is a pro or a con). Part of what comes with that is positive reinforcement and trust. It is very confusing to my brain when people trust me in ways that I do not trust myself, and it is something that I walk a tightrope line on almost daily currently.

I think overall the rollercoaster of up’s and down’s along with pushing myself outside of my comfort zone has put me into a mentally, emotionally, and creatively exhausted state. I feel like I have been spewing out every part of me and I am left with fumes and a long way to go (hence this weeks doodle).

There are so many things that I hope I can share with my readers in more detail soon, but all in good time.

I would love to know how do you guys deal with imposter syndrome? How do you learn how to trust yourself in places you don’t feel confident in? How do you work on building confidence, and has it been useful?

Thank you for your patience with me, and for supporting me by following and dropping messages! If anyone is stuck in their own emotional storm right now please know you are not alone, and if at the bare minimum you can always reach out here to talk things out in a safe space.

Love you all as always, and I will chat with you next Thursday (If I don’t implode) ❤

You-phoric (or phobic)?

This week I wanted to write about something a bit different than usual. A week or so ago I finished binging HBO’s Euphoria. This how describes itself as “An American adaptation of the Israeli show of the same name, “Euphoria” follows the troubled life of 17-year-old Rue, a drug addict fresh from rehab with no plans to stay clean.” The primary character deals with addiction, depression, and manic episodes. I will start this off by shouting in all caps THIS SHOW CAN BE VERY TRIGGERING, so proceed with caution if you are planning to watch.

What I was surprised to find is how much I related to on several layers with this character. While I am not addicted to drugs, I use different variables to control when I am feeling less in control of what is around me. This has bubbled up as anorexia and bulimia historically (which I am incredibly thankful to be 6+ years into remission for), drinking (in the past), and more presently list-making and organization. I still find myself attempting to unplug my brain in a multitude of ways when I get into depressive states. I also experience a wave of high highs and low lows regularly.

What this show also triggered for me is a glamorization at times of these mental health issues. This has been something I have seen for some time from Girl Interrupted when I was in high school to 13 Reasons Why today. It can be confusing to try to find the answer to what is the right balance here. As my readers know, I am a big believer in normalizing the conversation about mental health issues in general. I believe this extends to all ages, genders, and humans in general. However, I also feel uncomfortable with trying to make any of these issues “sexy.” As someone that actively struggles with depression and anxiety, I can confirm it is not sexy or cool at all. It is hard, exhausting and often downright ugly. I also find that it is easy to be “seduced” into old habits when viewing particular material if I am not careful. I don’t have the answers here, and I am not suggesting these shows should not be made by any means (I am a high key huge fan of Euphoria and think it is a beautifully made and essential in many ways to shine a light on addiction and mental illness). I do believe we need to be cautious and aware of a ripple effect content can have in general.

I am curious if any of you find shows that touch on mental health or triggering subjects more helpful or harmful? What do you think the right balance is?

As a side note, lots of interesting changing variables are coming up in life, and I am nervous but hopeful. I am looking forward to chatting about this in the upcoming weeks. Thanks for checking in, and I will talk with you next Thursday ❤

Imposter Cycle

Hey Everybody!

Sorry for being MIA last week, I have been working through some vicious anxiety and exhaustion cycles, and as you know self-care and love are number one in those times. I did want to chat with you all this week about something I have been trying to grapple with mentally.

I am not unfamiliar with imposter syndrome (it is something I grapple with daily). At times it can become so heavy that it motivates me to find ways to alleviate it (healthy ways, but definitely ways that take a lot of time and effort). There are, however, days like today, which I feel like I might not be an imposter. In these moments, I feel relief, and I think perhaps the possibility of change is less needed. These moments always fade away within a few days and melt into a new anxiety-ridden form of imposter syndrome.

And so begins the never-ending cycle of stress & anxiety -> drive to change -> momentary positivity -> fear of change -> stress & anxiety.
It can be an incredibly draining and frustrating cycle, and the fact that it IS a cycle makes the change feel like it is indeed the right path.

I don’t have advice on how to break this cycle today, but if you are also stuck in it, know that you are not alone! I would love to hear about what helped you break out of a similar cycle, and if that was a positive decision for you.

I am not going to lie change is something that is still very scary to me. I am still working on every day, and you all make me feel less alone in this journey, and I can’t thank you enough. Talk to you all next week ❤