Feelin Myself

I can’t lie, I have been pretty damn proud of myself this week. As Lizzo would put it I literally was 100% that bitch this week. Life has its ups and downs, but I am starting to feel (dare we say it) confidant. I am bumping up my self-trust and bumping down my guilt, and it has been great!

Who knows how long it is going to last, but I will tell you what I hope is forever…and a day. As any of us dealing with mental health disorders know it is an ongoing rollercoaster, but I say this if we allow ourselves to drive ourselves insane in the downs then we should make sure also to enjoy the highs.

I also want to re-emphasize two big points!

Numero uno: Having a trusted support system (friends, family, significant others, therapists, and beyond) is lifechanging. I spent almost thirty years of my life somewhat hiding everything I feel, and it is beautiful to know I can talk to my cheerleaders and confidants whenever I need to, and that I can be honest about where I am…and have that be ok.

Secondly, it is so essential for us to continue the conversation about mental health care and mental health conditions because of real talk none of us are alone in this!

This is a short post, but I love you all! Please let me know what you have accomplished recently that you are proud of. If your week isn’t going great, please understand that this is ok as well. I am frequently a ball of tears and tissues, and I know I will be one day again (hopefully far in the future).

I will talk to you all next week! ❤

Ugly Cry

Real talk this week has been an emotional storm. Trickling off of what I posted about last week, I am having a lot of mental walls come up with anxiety triggers.

Positive news boom anxiety attack
Bad news boom anxiety attack
Standing up for myself, boom…
Any slight whisper of conflict, boom…

It has not been easy for me in the slightest. However, I have been able to make some mental cliff notes along the way.

Note #1: Anxiety can’t break me no matter how much my brain tells me otherwise.

As I sat in bed ugly crying for about 5 hours feeling like the world was going to end because I sent an email, I realized it wasn’t breaking…yes I felt like shit…yes I had a sore face from power crying but the world itself, including the things I was interacting with, remained the same. I will note that it is not that I thought with my logical brain that things would explode but the part of my mind that thought jumping out of a window was a better alternative to just waiting it out and seeing what developed took note.

Note #2: My flaws do NOT make me less powerful.

It is easy to feel like less than when you are in a constant fear state. It is easy to think everyone’s thoughts on you match your inner dialog, and even though my brain does not want to accept it, neither of those things are true. Just because my anxiety can be a giant douche telling me I suck at most things daily, I am slowly becoming more comfortable embracing that I am badass. It is also good to mention IMO that even though I am engaging in regular power cry sessions, I am pretty fricken productive during that storm.

Note #3 Keep on considering support options.

Sometimes I know I can feel annoying telling loved ones about my anxiety or depression. I think oh man I must be a broken record to them, but I am always surprised and grateful at the fact that this is not the case. With that being said, I am being real and considering if talking to a therapist or an outside support aide as a way to find, even more, more effective coping skills. If there is one thing I hope people take from this blog, it is that no one is across the board perfect, and everything you are is okay, and you should never be ashamed to talk to people, and/or ask for help if you need it. Mental health care should not be shameful or hidden, and if you need support, the resources are out there! (Feel free to drop me a message at any point if you need help finding some resources on where to find help as well). Here is a quick list to save just in case:

This week has been hard, beautiful, and long. I want to send a special shout out to my amazing boyfriend who gives me a supportive ear, a shoulder to cry on, a blanket burrito to lay in and pretty sensational backrubs on the regular. He has made this week way less intense than it could have been.

To all my readers, we are all on our journey, we are all flawed in one beautiful way or another, and we are not alone. As Machine Gun Kelly put it

“Hold your head high, muthafucker
Don’t ever look down because of who you are
Our flaws are what makes us perfect.”

I am going to try practice some hardcore self-care over the weekend. I think you all should as well. Let me know in the comments how you are treating yourself to some love today or over the weekend, please! Love you all, and I will talk with you next week ❤